I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.
Dr. Seuss
Google the words “brain training” and you will come back
with over 28 million hits. A quick
search of a small sample of these sites reveals a plethora of products and
services aimed at keeping our grey matter from becoming prematurely gray.
It should not come as any surprise that as the Baby Boomer
generation ages it is frantically searching for methods to improve the fitness
of the only organ that there appears to be any hope for. Let’s be honest, our
attempts to keep breasts from sagging, wrinkles from wrinkling, hair from
jumping ship, etc were simply vain attempts to one-up mother nature. It makes
sense that the same mentality that gave us the Stair Master (mostly known as
stare master because most of us simply gazed at it as it stood gathering dust
in the spare room) Ab Cruncher, Thigh Master, and Jazzercise would turn its
failing attention to the final frontier of the brain.
The explosion of methods, mechanics, and measuring devices
with which one can, reportedly, improve memory, concentration, focus, and attention
all come with the same warning, “Use it or lose it.” The irony is that the
anxiety this produces, the sense that unless we find the right app, are able to
do crossword puzzles or enjoy eating blueberries we are doomed to mental
decline, only increases the release of the stress hormone cortisol. As anyone who has even a few brain cells
operating knows, cortisol is that brain shrinking chemical that we’re told will
eventually turn us all into zombies; and not the cool kind.
Just when you thought it was safe to take up a mental
fitness program, along comes the news that some of these methods may not only
be the modern equivalent of snake oil, but may, in fact, produce the opposite
effect on the brain than what was intended.
Sort of like the person who takes up jogging in order to improve their
heart health but ends up being hit by a car because he forgot to look both ways
before crossing the street. On a more practical
level, if Soduko only reminds you of what it felt like to be in Calculus class
without a clue as to what the teacher was talking about and all the while the
class clown mercilessly teased you about your acne, you have to wonder if
gaining a few stronger brain cells is worth the emotional trauma.
Let’s be honest, many of us spend a great deal of time
feeling tortured by our minds. From
small worries to full-blown panic attacks, endless thoughts rob us of our sleep,
appetites and joy. The mind often takes
on the persona of a bully trying its best to muscle in on our inner-peace. Is this really something we want to make
stronger? How do we know that when we
pumping up our synapse we’re not breathing more life into the electrical
impulses behind depressing thoughts of how much better our lives used to be when
we were young?
Once again, it seems like we need to take a collective
breather, jump off the train your brain train
and slow down. In order to assist in
that process, and hopefully score a huge contract with Apple, I’m working on an
app for the iPhone called iGiveup. This is a surrender application that reads
our cerebral output and converts the screen to a huge white flag while at the
same time repeating the mantra “Uncle.” (For younger readers,
uncle is what us
old folks used to say when someone had us pinned to the ground with his knees
pressed into our shoulders or when one of our older siblings was tickling us to
the point of peeing ourselves.)
This app will help us understand that our fight against
Father Time goes against every law of nature and that it is within the very
fabric of existence to experience a returning once the expansion of development
is complete. It will give us permission
to stay at home if we can’t immediately find the car keys, watch the movie even
if we can’t remember the actor’s name, and take a nap if we find ourselves
spent from trying to think of a seven letter word for stumped. (See the bottom of this blog for the answer in case you
need to know.)
(Answer-Puzzled)
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