Senior Trip

One of the distinct pleasures of growing older is the ability to plan and take vacations without having to consider the needs of one’s children.  Places like Disney World are immediately removed from the list as the desire to snake around endless lines with other silent, suffering, sweating parents, with hyper-kinetic children in-tow, is second only to having a root canal.  

In the empty nest stage of life, vacation brochures are filled with scenes of empty beaches with a nary a concession stand in sight, mountain ranges without the obligatory burger joint at every turn, and bed & breakfast inns that offer “Quiet Time” rather than vibrating beds. Yes, this time of life offers the true meaning of the word vacation, which is freedom from obligation, as the primary concern is not “Are we there, yet?” but “When are we coming back?”

This does not mean that vacationing while gray, aka graycation, is without its perils.  AARP discounts aside, traveling to distant places can definitely put a dent in one’s wallet, particularly if one is a consumer of anything purchased at an airport.  I recently paid an amount of money for a slice of pizza in the Philadelphia airport that would, in any other setting, be considered price gouging.  Sadly, I hardly even blinked an eye as I washed it down with my $3.00 bottle of water.  

When not traveling by air, those of us who take to the nation’s highways soon realize that rest stops are for those whose sanitary requirements, unlike us,  have not come of age. Added to this is the realization that the miles between stops lacks an appreciation for the prostate condition of anyone over the age of 30.

All that being said, it’s truly a wonderful time to take time off from the daily grind and appreciate being old enough to appreciate natural wonders and life's simple pleasures.  As an added benefit, when traveling off-season, one finds one's self in the company of other grayers who are also seeking a taste of the retired life knowing that children between the ages of 5 and 18 are safely in the confines of a local school system.  

With a maturing attitude toward life in general, it’s easier to suffer through unexpected twists and turns that are a part of any trip without suffering a nervous breakdown.   Headaches of lost luggage, misplaced room keys, a failed GPS just as you enter the 5 lane highway, etc, become stories to tell when we get back rather than reasons to move "Staying at home" to the top of the list of next years vacation ideas.

So, whether your next trip is around the corner or across the globe enjoy the freedom that comes from being old enough to make your own plans and explore your own dreams. Heck, visit Disney World, park yourself on a bench, watch as stressed out parents try to corral their wandering children, and give Mickey a high-five; it's not only a small world, it's pure magic.

All the Rage

“I would not look upon anger as something foreign to me that I have to fight... I have to deal with my anger with care, with love, with tenderness, with nonviolence.” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh,

I’ve been thinking about anger a lot lately, particularly its relation to getting older.  The stereotype of grumpy old men suggests that there is a correlation between growing angrier as we go gray. But is it true that the longer we live the shorter our fuse?  Do we find that, much like our knees, hips, and backs, anger no longer works the same way it once did?  Finally, are there any benefits to being angry that might allow us to drop all of the “anger management” techniques that mostly serve to turn on anger on ourselves for not being a good manager?

Arguably, anger is our most maligned emotion.  We talked about the need to manage it, to control it, to eliminate it. Conventional wisdom tells us that it is at the root of a myriad of societies’ ills.  Paradoxically, we are told to get angry with our anger and kick it out of our lives.  Despite these warnings, anger is one of our go-to emotions—one of the sharpest tools in the emotional tool box that we return to again and again.  Anger is almost always a more pure and honest expression of how we feel.  People seldom question whether or not we are really angry with them. Really love them?  A different story, altogether.   

Anger, itself, has a developmental cycle that corresponds to our physiological growth.  Early displays of anger take the form of meltdowns, tantrums or fits.  While these often remain the preferred method of expression for some, most will move on to more subtle forms like the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, and, the granddaddy of them all, the stink eye.  These are tempered forms of anger that serve the purpose of expressing one’s inner experience while at the same time leaving room for denial—as in “I’m not yelling, I just have a loud voice.”

Psychological theories of anger vary widely and, quite frankly, many of them are maddening.  The definition I find the most helpful, particularly as it relates to aging, is “Anger is an emotion, resulting from a perceived loss, attributed to a willful agent, and judged as unfair.”  This would explain why anger and aging are intertwined—the loss, that of youth, the culprit, Father Time and totally unfair—case closed.

The anti-anger crowd would probably point out that getting angry at something that is inevitable does not make sense.  To those folks, I say “Shut up!  Who are you to take away anyone’s right to, as Dylan Thomas said, Rage against the dying of the light.”  Sure, we can all accept the idea that life’s unfair, but as the great philosopher Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, once mused, “Why isn’t ever unfair in my favor?”

By no means am I suggesting that we head into the golden years red-faced with rage.  Unchecked, anger can lead to some nasty consequences, not the least of which is spending one’s remaining days alone, having chased away friends and loved ones through one too many unfiltered rants.  I do, however, think that there might be times when not going gentle into that good night could be helpful.   If anger motivates us to tear down the walls of ageism that still divide our county, helps to give voice to a marginalized group, and stops predators from taking advantage of the elderly, then bring it on!  

Here are some useful aging anger tips:

1. Own it. Whoever asks “Are you angry?” already knows you are.  At least do them the favor of allowing them to be right.

2. Use it to solve problems not create them.

3. Take responsibility for it. No matter what was said or done the anger arose within you and therefore you made yourself angry.

4. Save the aggression for the gym.  Anger doesn’t hurt people, acts of aggression do.  Slamming doors, throwing things, and even punching pillows simply create violent habits and send the message that you are not in control.

5. Sit with it. Turn anger into meditative moments where you pause and reflect on your experience rather than fight or flee.

Perk Up! The Expanded List: A Meaningful List of Rewards for Getting Old

1. Being exempt from having to pay state taxes if we choose not to move to Florida and, if living in Florida, a tax refund for continuing to live with unbearable heat and humidity.

2. A specially designed airline just for seniors that offers reduced rates to see children and grandchildren on flights that have no screaming children on them.

3. The creation of a music genre that has less to do with falling in and out of love and more to do with falling and not being able to get up.

4. Dropping the expectation for tips while dining out.  (Someone in his or her 20s serving someone who has survived into their 50s should be asking for advice, not tips)

5. Separate cinemas for those of us who need the sound effects turned down and the dialogue turned up.  

6. Free subscriptions to any magazine whose primary purpose is to sell products to the very people they freak out with warnings about growing older.

7. The right to vote more than once in order to offset the impact of missing the gray vote due to those of us who get lost on the way to the polling center.

8. A voucher program for internet services to make up for all the irretrievable moments of our lives we spent waiting for the first modems to connect to a server.

9. Free vitamins and herbal supplements that purport to counter the side effects of all the crap we were talked into taking when younger that promised to keep us from growing old.

10. Discounts on trips to the beauty salon/barber, who, let’s be honest, have a lot less work to do when it comes to our hair.

11. Special parking spaces that come equipped with the technology to find us rather than the other way around.

55 and Still Alive!

I turned 55 last week and while the number itself seems significant, I soon realized that it does not carry the same weight as other benchmark birthdays.  The obvious blessing for me was best described by the mantra my wife came up with to mark my 5^th year as a cancer survivor, "55 and still alive!"  We had several toasts to that sentiment.  

Out of curiosity I Googled what it means to turn 55 and came across these fun facts.  Did you know that at this age we gain the following “perks?”

Dining Discounts

Entertainment Discounts

Grocery and Other Retail Discounts

            Discounts on Airlines

Continuing Education Discounts

 

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I was a bit underwhelmed by the above.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate saving a few pennies here and there but, really, that’s it?  The one common theme in all these perks is that I have to spend money in order to get a discount.  This is not to discount the fact that the need to save money grows proportionally with the candles on the birthday cake, but the list seems to discount the actual needs of us seniors.  Here is the list I was hoping to see:

Discounts on all alcoholic beverages (Let’s be honest, a martini works better than BENGAY for soothing whatever aches.)

A specially designed airline just for seniors that offers reduced rates to see children and grandchildren on flights that have no screaming children on them.

The removal of state income tax for those of us who don’t move to Florida.  If living in Florida already, a small stipend for remaining there rather than moving somewhere not so hot in the summer.

Dropping the expectation for tips while dining out.  (Someone in his or her 20s serving someone who has survived into their 50s should be asking for advice, not tips)

Separate cinemas for those of us who need the sound effects turned down and the dialogue turned up.  

Free subscriptions to any magazine or internet service that has as its primary purpose the selling of products to the very people they freak out with warnings about growing older.

The right to vote more than once in order to offset the impact of missing the gray vote due to those of us who get lost on the way to the polling center.

I think you’ll agree this is both a reasonable and justifiable list worthy of celebrating.