Not Working for a Living

“In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.”― Leo Tolstoy

My monthly AARP magazine arrived and, once again, my first response was, “Stop messing with me!” First, and foremost, the title is misleading, as many of the articles have nothing to do with retirement and everything to do with still working. Secondly, I’m tired of looking at smiling pictures of seniors still on the job. What I want to see is someone who looks like me on Monday mornings with the thought, “I’m never gonna get to retire,” running around my head and wondering what happened to my youthful glow.

Honesty check; I enjoy this publication and think they offer great advice and resources for us grayers. That being said, there is a delicate balancing act going on as they cater to both the, “We don’t have to work anymore crowd,” and those of us for whom retirement sounds as mythical as the Lock Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and bipartisan politics.

The issue of aging and working has become big news lately. Paul Irving, chairman of the Center for the Future of Aging, recently said, "I think traditional retirement is ready to be retired." While pithy and most likely true, it strikes me as sad and somewhat disingenuous for someone at that level to be forecasting the end of retirement as we know it. 

This brings me back to aging and the underlying message in the “Let’s retire retirement” concept, which is, “Plan on working until the day you die.” A graying workforce does have several positive aspects. The longer we stay around the more expertise in our chosen field. Younger workers benefit from our wisdom and gain access to mentors who have “Been there, done that.” On a larger scale, the social security nest egg grows as potential withdrawers remain depositors. Let’s hear it for work

Minus an emoticon, you may have missed the sarcasm in that last sentence. How did work, which at one time was the source of all things stress related, suddenly become the salve to soothe the pains of growing older? Proponents of working through retirement keep telling us how good it is for seniors to be on the job. They tell us that it’s good for our brains, good to keep our bodies healthy, good to stay socially connected, good to have a sense of purpose in life. They have even given it a cute name; they call it “recareering.” Really?

This sounds hauntingly like someone telling us what’s good for us and expecting us to buy it hook-line-and-sinker. Sure, retirement was good for our parents and our parent’s parents, but it’s going to be hell for us. All that free time, the lack commitments, the laid back, “I got nowhere I need to be,” attitude is only going to make our brains go soft, make us clinically depressed, and have us leading purposeless and pointless lives.

The obvious truth behind the “Work til you die,” mantra is that an increasing number of seniors are discovering that they cannot afford not to work. This has nothing to do with whether or not work is good for our mental or physical health and everything to do with the fact that poverty is a serious hindrance to wellness. With healthcare costs going through the roof, many people are worried that if a major illness strikes they will lose the roofs over their heads. It’s not the psychological costs of not working for a living that concerns most people, it’s the actual cost of living that has many seniors dusting off their resumes.

The Chinese classic, the Tao Te Ching, says “Retire when work is done, this is the way of heaven.” I still believe there’s great value in those words. A life spent chasing the brass ring; the golden goodie as Alan Watts once called it, is a life spent always looking for the next reward to come along, only to find that someone removed the prize. Let’s be honest, who among us would have eaten a whole box of Cracker Jacks if we knew someone had already stolen whatever mini plastic token was inside?

Before we pull the retirement rug out from underneath the Baby Boomers, perhaps we can take a collective time out and reflect on the following story:

Three elderly men were sitting around a table having coffee after just attending viewing for a recently departed good friend. The conversation turned to how each would want to be remembered and what family and friends would say:
First Man: I would want people to say that I was a great physician who helped save the lives of many people.
Second Man: I would want people to say that I worked hard all my life to provide for my family.
Third Man: I hope that people will say, “Look, he’s still breathing!”

Perhaps there will come a day when not working for a living will be the highest honor, prize or reward. In that case, we’re going to need an Association that is ready to “lean in” to the idea of not having a job and leaning back in our Easy Boy recliners, whiling away the hours. I suggest, The American Association of People Who Still Want Their Slice of the Retirement Pie. The AAPWSWTSRP; yeah, that sounds about right.

Stress-Less Aging

I don’t mean to stress you out, but it appears that, according to a growing number of scientific reports, stress makes us age quicker. Research suggests that from our skin, to our hearts, brains, and even at a cellular level, the more we stress the older we get. The question, “Do we age because of stress or is getting older stressful?” leaves us with yet another chicken and egg scenario.

We're a nation that is collectively losing its mind over this whole stress thing. We’re told that it’s a natural response, an evolutionary act of survival to fight or flee from harm. We’re also told that this response itself can kill us. One side says that we have to control life events in order to reduce stress, while the other states that we only need to control how we think about stress to reduce its damaging effects.

According to the American Psychological Association’s yearly Stress in America survey, people of all ages experience stress and report that it’s having a negative impact on their life satisfaction. This has given rise to a stress reduction market that has produced a myriad of products, practices and potions designed to tame the stress beast. Despite strong anti-stress and anti-aging marketing, not only are we still getting old, we’re still stressing out and I think I’ve figured out why.

I’ve spent a large amount of time over the last several years thinking, writing, and talking about stress. I have even given myself the title of “stress therapist” to replace my old title of “stressed out therapist.” It was while I was on my way to give a talk on stress entitled Stressed for Success, that I had an epiphany. (It was probably more like a flash of intuition, but epiphany just sounds more profound.) During talks on stress I often ask the rhetorical question of why sane, rational, and mostly intelligent people continue to have stress reactions despite knowing the reaction itself will have no impact on whatever is happening. Then it struck me, the reason for this is that many of us deal with stress by stressing out. (I will humbly accept the Nobel Prize for this on behalf of stressed out people everywhere.)

This insight (I’ve humbly toned it down some.) helps me understand why most people answer the question, “Tell me what your stress coping skills are,” with a blank stare. They think stress is a coping skill. As I thought this through more I came up with a list of ideas we’ve come up with to support this notion:

1. Worrying about something bad happening can actually keep the bad thing from happening.
2. Expecting things to go bad makes it hurt less when it actually happens.
3. Fighting against what is already happening makes us stronger.
4. Thinking that we’re right and the situation is wrong makes us morally superior to whatever is happening.
5. Resistance keeps us from getting pushed around by life.
6. If I accept what is, nothing will ever change.
7. Stress energy is the only thing that gets me through my day.

Once I understood that people are using stress as a stress coping mechanism, I realized that trying to get them to stop stressing was asking them to give up the last hope they had of living a sane life. My new therapeutic technique is to help people get better at stress; “Stress it good,” to paraphrase the 80’s philosophers DEVO. In psychotherapy circles, this is known as prescribing the symptom. It’s a paradoxical technique that works because taking conscious control over something that seems to beyond our control immediately brings a sense of relief. So, the next time a problem comes along, here are some ways to stress it good:

1. Realize that the sensations of stress are simply a call to attention. Your mind radar has picked up an incoming signal and it's your job to discern if it poses an actual threat.
2. Stop trying not to have a stress response, this only prolongs the experience as the very effort to stop the process keeps you focused on it.
3. Put a timer on it. Even the stress doomsayers confess that it's "prolonged" stress that is harmful. Give yourself permission to have a 15 minute melt-down and expel the pent up energy. (Tip: Avoid doing this in public places, around expensive household items, or at work.)
4. Own it. Take responsibility for creating the reaction to an event that, minus your interpretation of it, is neither good nor bad.
5. Name it, don't blame it. Simply call it like you see it without the added touch of getting down on yourself for stressing out. In the end, it's your conditioning that causes the response, not some twisted psychology that makes you want to punish yourself.

As we move headlong into old age it would be nice to think that we would grow out of being stressed. There does, in fact, seem to be some evidence that our "This is going to be bad" meter operates at a different level after a certain age. When we take a hard look at the, "Aging is stressful" campaigners, we find that they have a lot in common with the "Younger is better" crowd. I have created a slogan for these folks:

Stress doesn't make us old, aging does.

DWG: Driving While Gray

In the 40-plus years that I’ve been driving, I’m proud to say that I have a fairly unblemished record. As someone who makes a 2 hour round-trip commute to and from work every day, I consider this to be a feather in my hat. Recently, however, that hat has been losing some feathers due to the, as yet still legal, vehicular activity known as DWG (Driving While Gray).

DWG, like its counterpart DWI, is definitely driving while under the influence, only in this case the intoxicating substance is one’s aging brain and a mind that no longer shifts gears as quickly. DWG is characterized by the following:

1. Getting into your car without the keys.
2. Forgetting to turn the headlights on despite the realization that everyone else has theirs on.
3. Missing an exit.
4. Taking the wrong exit.
5. Slowing down in the middle of traffic while trying to decide which exit to take.
6. Forgetting, if even just for an instant, where one was going.
7. Forgetting, if even just for an instant, how one got to where one is.
8. Locking the keys in the car upon arriving at one’s destination.
9. Locking the keys in a running car upon arriving at one’s destination.
10. Forgetting where one left the car after parking at said destination.

Given all of these travel mishaps, it was refreshing to learn that, according to the Insurance Institute for Traffic Safety, senior drivers are the safest drivers on the road. Their research found that as we age we’re more likely to wear our seat belts, not text while driving, obey the speed limit, and less likely to drink and drive.

That being said, I think there is one area in which getting older behind the wheel could be a safety hazard and that is the potential for road rage, or, as it’s known in the senior community, a Grumpy Getaway, or GG for short. This phenomenon occurs when someone who has seen far too many bad drivers, had far too many near accidents and cannot for the life of them figure out why someone would want to eat, drink, and text all while driving, decides to finally take matters into their own hands. Behaviors include:

Getting in front of an inpatient driver and intentionally slowing down.
Hitting the breaks at random intervals.
Driving in the passing lane 10 miles below the speed limit.
Leaving one’s blinker on well past a turn.
Rolling the window down and blasting NPR on the car stereo
Failing to yield to anyone under the age of 40 at a cross walk
Seeing Stop signs as optional

Additionally, there is the granddaddy of them all; the feigning of a heart attack when an unsuspecting aggressive driver leaves their vehicle to confront any of the above actions.

To be honest, there’s something thrilling about taking the wheel with wrinkled hands and using one’s car to make a statement about society's indifference to seniors. Sure, you can ignore me while I’m in line at the grocery store. Yes, I may be invisible to the young host or hostess trying to impress the younger “in crowd” but when I stop short in front of you at 60 miles an hour, it’s “Did you see what that old man did?” I have even considered a bumper sticker that says, “I don’t brake for anyone under 30.”

Despite the fact that we Baby-Boomers are taking to the streets in record numbers, it seems unlikely that communities will designate special lanes on the highway for those of us who are graying and still driving. However, switching from HOV to OOV (old occupant vehicle) lanes is probably not as crazy as it sounds. 

My idea is to bring back the signs we hung in our cars when we were younger; only this time it will not read Baby on Board but Grayby on Board. This can be a caution to all other drivers that the person behind the wheel has put up with way too much crap in his or her life to worry about someone else’s energy efficient, decked out, “costs more than my first house,” car and is going to drive however the hell he or she wants.

Home Is Where?

Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
 - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

If you’re like me, nothing points out the reality of growing older more than trips back to a childhood home. Putting the lie to the line, “You can never go back home again,” many of us routinely make these trips and often find that what is more true is, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  I’ve noticed on my travels back to Western New York that the older I get the more these trips take on the air of nostalgia, as tales of new adventures give way to reminiscing about old times. 

On a recent trip home I was having dinner with aging friends and was struck by a number of things:

1. We were having a sit-down dinner, whereas in the past it would have been meeting for drinks and dining while standing up.
2. We were dangerously close to being there for the Early Bird special, whereas in the past it would have been Happy Hour.
3. I was the only one able to read the menu without glasses, whereas in the past no one needed a menu; we just ate whatever was the unhealthiest dish available.
4. There was talk about children and grandchildren, whereas in the past it would have been about “babes.”
5. There were as many cokes ordered as beers, whereas in the past the only cokes ordered came with rum in them.
6. The question of who had to get home first arose, whereas in the past the only question that came up was “Where are we going after this?”
7. The memory game of “Do you remember when?” was played, whereas in the past the game was trying to see who we could trick into forgetting that they paid the bill last time we were out.

Despite the undeniable truth that time was catching up with all of us, I enjoyed myself that night.  Even the shared acknowledgment of, “Man, we’re old!” did not dampen the spirit of the evening. 

Just before leaving, I took note of those in restaurant with us.  Next to us was a table of white-haired ladies, the youngest of whom appeared to be in her seventies.  Behind us sat a table of 30-somethings, who were clearly making the rounds and stopping only to fuel up for adventures later that evening.  I was struck by the obvious symmetry of things as what was, what is, and what will be were all sharing the same space, dining on the same fare, and all, mostly, oblivious to each other. 

As we filed out, the evening sun still in the air, the second wave of younger diners prepared to take our seats. It still felt like home and yet, at the same time, so alien.  It seemed to me in that moment that Einstein was wrong and that something does move faster than the speed of light and that is life itself. Standing there as a flesh-and-blood time traveler, instantaneously moving from past to future, I was reminded of the quote, “While it’s true that you can never go back home again, it’s also true that you never really leave.”

Preparing to return to Virginia, it struck me that one of the benefits of growing older is the ability to appreciate the true meaning of home.  Whether it be humble or harried, around the corner or across the globe, it’s the common resting ground for our hearts.  It’s not something we leave and return to, it’s something we carry with us.  I sat on the bumpy plane ride home comforted by the thought, there’s no place not home.