Monday, March 30, 2015

Baby Boom or Bust!

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.
Jack Kerouac

Let’s be honest, for those of us born between the years 1947 and 1964 being tagged as the Baby Boom generation has its drawbacks. Think about it, an entire cohort identified by the fact that our parents decided to celebrate the end of war by having sex. A lot of it, if you do you numbers. What kind of banner is that to be raised under? Adding insult to injury, Tom Brokaw decides to give those same parents the title, "The Greatest Generation." Check please.

On the other hand, one would think that with the bar being as low as giving us credit for simply arriving en masse, that the only way to go was up. We’ve had our glories, to be sure. And, while the list of accomplishments in all areas of society and culture by Boomers could go on for pages, many of them bare the stain of what many find to be the leading identifier with our group; the desperate need to feel special.

No matter what we went through, it was as if it had never happened to anyone before. So, the whole nation, and world for that matter, had to suffer through our teenage angst, our young adult angst, our adult angst, our middle age angst and now, you guessed it, our elder angst. As hippies gave way to yuppies, who are giving way to “grumpies,” it’s clear that this generation does not intend to “go quietly into that good night.”

Maybe there’s still hope. Perhaps, our generation can, once again, buck the trend and start a revolution. If not revolution, than a revelation that the aging process itself should not be missed; that there’s something very special here too. It’s not too late to leave our mark; a literal hyphen after our current tag; Baby Boomer- The Generation that Finally Came to Terms with the Fact that Growing Older Leads to Death Despite Our Vain Attempts to Beat Back Nature. Wieldy, for sure, but it’s a start.

We could aim a little lower and strive to bring back dignity and grace to aging. This doesn’t mean just letting ourselves go in the traditional sense of not caring what we look like anymore and doing whatever feels right, regardless and what others think. I thinking more along the lines of letting go of the conditioned response to life that puts us in a state of resistance; that habitual tightening, as if life was about to punch us in the gut. We can become the SOFT Generation: Seeing Openings for Transformation. This would work! No one loves a good acronym like we Boomers. Add a slogan, and we’re right back to “Hell No We Won’t Go,” “Make Love Not War,” and “Impeach Nixon (God, I miss Tricky Dick!)

I tossed the slogan idea around a room of graying urban professionals (Guppies) and here is what we came up with:

Hell yes, we are blessed!

All the way, we’re going gray!

Youth, I Grew Out of It!

Impeach Nixon!
(Hard to let go of the good ones.)

It’s not too late, fellow Boomers. We can still put together a new movement. Not a protest; more like a post-test. Let’s gather our collective wisdom gained in the only way that really counts, making mistakes, and “Take it to the streets! Right after a good nap.

 

 


 

Friday, March 27, 2015

The Nightmare of a Ridiculous Man

“Dreams seem to be spurred on not by reason but by desire, not by the head but by the heart, and yet what complicated tricks my reason has played sometimes in dreams, what utterly incomprehensible things happen to it!”― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I had a dream the other night that I was on Antiques Roadshow; only not in the way you may think. Despite appearing frighteningly real, I knew it was a dream due to the fact that it took place in the UK version of the show. In the dream, I’m standing sheepishly next to my darling granddaughter, who is clearly older than her current tender age of seven. As I stand there, I hear the following exchange:

Clive Stewart-Lockhart: And you found this piece where, sweetie?
Granddaughter: It’s just always been there, hasn’t it? (The British accent clearly faked)
Clive Stewart-Lockhart: Well, let’s take a look. It’s a tad wrinkly isn’t it? You can see here where the hairline would have been, say, oh, at least twenty years on. I must say, the clothing certainly suggests wear and tear but then so do the limbs. (He titters as he pokes my elbow.) See here, pointing to my nose, the size and structure clearly points to the fact that no effort was made in regards to aesthetic quality. A mighty big honker, that.
Granddaughter: Yes, but what’s it worth?
Clive Stewart-Lockhart: Ah, there’s the rub. You see they made a lot of these in the 1960s, so the market’s currently flooded. If you put a gun to my head, I would have to say you’d be lucky to fetch more than a few quid for this one.
(At this point I wake up in a cold sweat and run to ask Siri what the dollar equivalent is for a quid.)

The dream over, I start to ponder the world’s fascination with antiques. Upon quick reflection, I realize that on many occasions I’ve found myself rummaging around stores with names like, The Treasure Trove, What’s Old is New or Fantastic Finds, with all the delirious thrill of a child at the beach for the first time. So, I get it. What gets my dander up, especially as that dander ages, is the fact that we live in a world where the things a culture produces are often valued more than the people who created them.

How strangely twisted to think that when it comes to humans, old is associated more with the word antiquated, than antique; worn out and useless, as opposed to timeless and treasured. Let’s be honest, most of the stuff highly praised and valued in antiques shops no longer has any practical use. Despite ones’ obsession with turn of the century typewriters, the goal is to not have it replace your iPad. No, the goal is to have it sit somewhere, on a purposely designed altar to the past.

How did this happen? How did we become hoarders of relics from the past and disposers of the living present that is our aging populace? Most importantly, can we get this straightened out before I get any older as I can feel myself depreciating on a daily basis?

To be fair, there are collectors whose intent is to honor the bodies and minds that left behind traces of their existence. Certainly, there is a reflective and appreciative tone to wanting to have a personal keepsake of a departed loved one out of respect for a previous generation. That being said, what’s up with wanting to sell your great, great, great, great-grandma’s first edition, signed copy of the Bible if not pure greed?

What type of world would it be if we had the same adrenaline rush while  holding a loved one’s hand as we do holding her Chinese Ming vase? How much easier would it be for all of us to answer the call of Time if we knew that while we were heading down that winding path there would be crowds of people eager to create a special place in their home and hearts just for us?

I’m aware that I’m beginning to sound like the narrator in Dostoyevsky’s Dream of a Ridiculous Man, who once innocently said, “And yet how simple it is: in one day, in one hour everything could be arranged at once! The chief thing is to love others like yourself, that’s the chief thing, and that’s everything; nothing else is wanted — you will find out at once how to arrange it all.” (BTW, an 1881 Dostoyevsky First edition of Brothers Karamazov is currently selling for $3,400 on eBay.)

Is it ridiculous to suggest that we love people more than products? Doesn’t it make sense to hang the word “Antiques” over our senior living arrangements, where our true treasures reside, and the word “Antiquated’ over shops filled with items that we have worn out? Maybe I have gone mad, or maybe I’m just angry, but it seems all so simple that we could arrange it at once. 

Let’s start loving others as ourselves before the dream becomes a nightmare. I would hate to find myself no longer on Antiques Roadshow, but instead, on Pawn Stars being mishandled by some, young, hippie-wannabe who thinks it would be “groovy” to have an actual Baby Boomer stuffed and mounted in his living room.

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Rest of the Story: The Art of Napping



“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope

One of the rewards, and true pleasures, of getting older is that nap time once again becomes a socially sanctioned activity.  Why it is that this one-time, essential and scheduled, activity losers favor is beyond me.  If I were the conspiratorial type I would blame it on corporate advertisers seeking to wear down our resistance to buying things we don't need because we're too exhausted to resist.  Thankfully, I'm not that paranoid . . . yet.

Unlike the normal transition to old age, when it comes to napping, young and old once again meet.  This is clear to me as neither I, nor my granddaughter, do well if we've not had our naps.  Sadly, this bridge across the generations does not last.  One of the sure signs that the innocence of childhood is giving way to Pre-teen years is the resistance to, and arguing about, naptime.  During this phase of life, one naps because we’re told it’s good for us.  Ironically, there comes a time, much later in life, when one actually has to argue in favor of a nap by making this very point.

Fortunately, in time, the balance is restored and naps take their rightful place amongst the comings and goings of modern life.  Does anything feel better than the lazy afternoon nap on a rainy Sunday? Can anything compare to the feeling of surrendering to the call of the couch after a few chapters of whatever latest best seller you've been trying to read, only to realize that you've just read the same sentence three times?  I submit that there is no better feeling than these unscheduled trips into the Land of Nod.  I would even go so far as to suggest that naps are so vital to our existence, so woven into the fabric of collective unconscious, that we could take most of the great quotes throughout history and insert the word “nap” without losing one iota of profundity. 

For example:
Descartes: I nap, therefore I am.
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I napped.
Ronald McDonald: You deserve a nap today.
Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant nap for mankind." (OK, it doesn't always work, but I think you see my point.)

Just in case my point did not hit home, here’s a final thought.  The book of Genesis could have just as easily read, "And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he napped." Check and mate!

If napping is the art that I believe it is, there is one form of napping that is the Sistine Chapel, the Mona Lisa and Starry Night rolled into one.  I speak, of course, of the nap that takes place at work.  Known as wapping by connoisseurs, this experience melds two of mankind's greatest desires; to take a well-earned rest and to get paid for doing nothing.  Whether it is with feet on the desk, known as the Executive, or curled under the desk, known by Seinfeld addicts as a George, there are few joys in life that can compare. This is undoubtedly one of the reasons that the trend toward meditating in the workplace is growing at such a rapid pace.  "Permission to sit with my eyes closed for 30 minutes so that management gets props for introducing worker wellness? Yes, please."

Putting the official stamp of authenticity on nap taking, and keeping it from going the way of being able to walk around with a binky in one’s mouth, requires a few guidelines.  This also helps to keep out the riff-raff; those who see fit to, “rest,” “take a fiver,” or try some other method of passing off imitation naps as the real thing.  I humbly offer the following:

1. Naps must fall in the range of no less than 15, but no more than 90, minutes. Less than that and your just examining your eyelids; more than that and you’re just being greedy.

2. There are only 2 reasons that someone should be roused from a nap.  The first is that the house is on fire and the second is to have sex; after which you can, yep, you guessed it, take a nap.

3. A nap must always take place in the clothes that you're currently wearing. Changing into something more comfortable constitutes getting ready for bed.

4. If a nap is disturbed while in progress, aka, nappus interruptus, then one is allowed a do-over, no matter what household chores await.

5. Despite being socially acceptable when referring to a very young child, it is never, ever, acceptable to use the phrase, "We had to put grandpa down."

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Downward Old Dog: Aging as Yoga

During counseling sessions, I often hear, “I tried yoga once.” It normally occurs during a conversation about attempts to manage stress and is normally followed by some form of, "I couldn't get my downward dog to stay down." This has led me to the conclusion that when most people talk about yoga they have in mind the same particular experience. As a matter of fact, let's try it right now. I’m going to say the word and I want you to see what the first image is that pops into your mind. Ready? “Yoga.”

If what appeared was the image of someone twisting and turning themselves into shapes, heretofore, unknown to the human body, then my point is made. I have found that in every case, when someone shares their yogic experiences with me this is what they're talking about. This is due, largely, to the fact that Hatha yoga, the practice of body postures and movement called asanas, is the most popular form known in the West. The system which was introduced by Yogi Swatmarama, a yogic sage in the 15th century in India, has been aided by a marketing campaign that kicks butt. (The kick-butt being a lesser known body posture.)

Millions of people have reaped the benefits from throwing themselves headfirst (an even lesser known yoga move) into some modern version of this ancient practice. Unknown to even some who regularly attend yoga classes, is that asanas make up only one of, what is known as, the 8 limbs of Yoga. These were was laid down around the year 200 A.D. in the sacred text of
Patanjali, the Yoga Sutras. In summary they are:

1. Yama :  Universal morality
2. Niyama :  Personal observances
3. Asanas :  Body postures
4. Pranayama :  Breathing exercises, and control of prana
5. Pratyahara :  Control of the senses
6. Dharana :  Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
7. Dhyana :  Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
8. Samadhi :  Union with the Divine
While a well-trained yoga instructor, my sister-in-law, and personal yogi during times of crisis, for example, can blend several of these limbs into one, most people's experience is associated with asanas, with, perhaps, a side-helping of pranayama.

The word yoga comes from the root word yuj which literally means “to join,” or, "union." There are, even within yogic circles, varying descriptions of what it is that is being united. Some say it’s the higher self with the lower self, others the body with the mind, and still to others it means joining a fitness club and giving their karma a good workout. For the purposes of understand what I'm calling Aging Yoga, or AY, (I'm still working on a more marketable name, but here's the tag line: Don't be an old fogey; be an old Yogi.) I prefer the following insight from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj:

All that lives, works for protecting, perpetuating and expanding consciousness. This is the world's sole meaning and purpose. It is the very essence of Yoga - ever raising the level of consciousness, discovery of new dimensions, with their properties, qualities and powers. In that sense, the entire universe becomes a school of Yoga.
The goal of Aging Yoga is for one’s current level of consciousness, wrapped up in mind-stuff, filled with fears and desires, to give way to higher levels. Once reached, even the act of unification is seen a false. All is already one; it is the mind that dismembered the truth and it's the new dimension of consciousness that will re-member.

What all the various limbs and schools of yoga offer is a way to break free from habitual forms of living that serve to strengthen the mind-made self. This habit is so strong that even the most earnest yoga practitioner can still suffer from a huge ego, as in, "Check out this downward facing dog, dawg!” Breaking free of the egoic self does not require wrestling it to the ground until it cries "Om." As a matter of fact, there is nothing that the ego loves more than a good fight. All that's required is to see it for the illusion that it is; at that moment it melts like the Wicked Witch in a hot yoga class.

Which leads us back to growing older as a yogic practice, where we lay bare (Yogi bare - you had to see that coming) and openly expose the workings of the mind to reveal that it is not that we have a life, but that we are Life. With this practice, it is not what we do that matters, but what we stop doing.

The underlying theory of AY is that it is in the natural order of things to move through a cycle from birth/death, integration/disintegration, inhalation/exhalation. What is unnatural is to try to thwart or even stop this process. In reality, we are all yogis in hiding. There behind the curtain of the mind, obscured by the constant movement of, and fascination with, objects in consciousness, is the silence of consciousness itself. We are that.

It seems that nature has provided us with path to reach this unified whole, only we have missed the point and taken it as enemy, an intruder whose sole purpose it to rob us of our youth. But what if it’s not a nemesis? What if aging itself was a movement toward the soul's purpose; the realization of oneness? How cool would that be?

To get you started on the Aging Yoga path here are a few pointers:

1. Stop talking about growing older as if it were a disease: The dis-ease is in the mind that resists the natural rhythm.
2. Stop the mental time travel back to the "good old days": Your past is the story of who you were. Even if it's a good story, it's still make-believe.
3. Stop treating your aging body as if it still belonged to someone in their 20s: Respect and honor this wonderful marvel that has carried your hopes, dreams, aspirations and inspirations around for so long.
4. Stop trying to put feet on a snake: This is an old Zen saying that I threw in to make sure you’re still with me.
5. Stop thinking that it’s time that heals all wounds: It's not time that heals, it's your perspective and attitude which you can change in an instant.
6. Stop spending time around those who reinforce your notion that “hell is other people.”: Ultimately there is no such thing as "other," but in the meantime, protect yourself by not being the sponge to someone's Super-Soaker.
7. Stop searching for answers to your questions: Instead try questioning your answers.
8. Stop starting things that you know full well are only going to complicate your life: Learn to say "yes" to "no."
9. Stop seeing existence as puzzle to figure out: Try seeing it as a mystery to be lived.
10. Stop struggling with practices that purport to end all struggles: Enjoy (in-joy) whatever your doing by being fully present.
Now that you’re on your way with AY (Whoa, another tag line!) to a life lived, rather than a life thought about, meditate on this: One of the frequently used poses in Hatha yoga is called corpse pose. (I prefer the Sanskrit name of savasana as it's less . . . well . . . you know.) It’s powerful to think that even when our current state as a breathing manifestation of the one Life ends, we will still be doing yoga. Namaste!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Food for Thought: Eat This Way, Not That Way



“We overeat, not because we enjoy food too much – it is because we don’t enjoy it enough”
Charles Eisenstein

It seems that every week we’re introduced to a new diet that is going to extend our lifespan.  Then, as a sure as God made little green apples (known as the Garden of Eden Diet) something else will come along that discounts the previous diet and replaces it with a newer and improved version guaranteed to be “the last diet you will ever need.”  

Recently, we’ve been told that we can live longer, healthier, lives if we would only, eat like they do in France,   the Mediterranean , the Nordic regions, or eat like our Paleo ancestors, who at best lived to be 40 years old.  

We have even taken this so far, thanks to modern science, as to narrow it down to specific foods that we’re told can extend our careers as breathing human beings.  A short list includes: fish (but not the kind with mercury) blueberries (but not the kind covered in pesticides) coffee (but not too much caffeine) tofu (but not the kind that tastes good, if there is such a thing).  This does not include the natural and unnatural substances, vitamins, and minerals that rise and fall in popularity.  

What’s a grayer (my new term for those of us who’ve have at least 50 years of culinary experience) to do with all of this information?  How to deal with the conflicting research and the “expert” advice that often says so-and-so expert is wrong?  It’s enough to make you want to run for a brownie bowl.

What if what we eat is only part of the equation?  What if the common thread that runs through those who live longer and healthier lives is not the what, so much as the how?  Perhaps, the reason that the one universally accepted truth about diets is that the traditional Western diet will rob you of years is due, in large part, to the antagonistic relationship we have with food.

According to the Boston Medical Center, about 45 million of us are on a diet.  The very word “diet” puts most of us at odds with what we eat as it no longer means the simple act of eating, but some regimented and restricted form of food intake.   It’s no wonder that a study in the journal of Psychosomatic Medicine reports that diets have “several psychological effects, such as stress, anxiety, lower self-esteem, depression and irritability.”  This gives the phrase stress-eating a whole new meaning.

Perhaps, rather than simply trying to find health-friendly foods, we should try to make friends with the eating process itself.  However, let’s be honest, if we continue to introduce foods that lack the basic essential ingredients, it’s foolish to think that our bodies are not going to feel deprived.  One has to wonder, however, if sitting down to a health-inspired plate of roots, grains and herbs, all the while bemoaning the absence of anything from the animal kingdom, stressing over whether or not you can eat like this for one more day, and having anxiety dreams about being locked inside a Ben & Jerry’s, is actually good for you.

One of the clearest, and most clever, creations to address our food phobia is the series entitled Eat This, Not That.  It is a shear stroke of genius that someone has cut through all of the confusion and simply told us what to out into our pie-holes. (Pie, by the way; not that!) 

I would like to get a slice of the diet pie here and offer a purely psychological approach to the issue.  I call it Eat This Way, Not That Way:
Eat
This Way: Sit down while you eat, face fully forward and rest your back against the back of the chair.
Not This Way: Standing up, or sitting with only half a cheek on the chair as if you’re ready to bolt at any moment, hunched over your plate like you’re protecting it from a pack of hungry  wolves.
This Way: Surrounded by people whose company you enjoy.
Not This Way: Surrounded by people whose very chewing grates on your nerves and who have the table manners of a pack of hungry wolves.  (My apologies to hungry wolves as I’m sure their eating habits are more in tune with the natural order than most humans.)
This Way: Take a few deep breathes before the first mouthful and take similar breathes throughout the meal.
Not this Way: Breathing and eating at the same time so that your food has to continually choose which pipe it’s going to down, leaving you with a permanent bruise from the Heimlich maneuver.
This Way: Say a blessing; give thanks, or a moment of silence, before the first bite to recognize the importance of nourishing yourself.
Not this Way: Grumbling about the high price of everything these days and how everything tasted better in the “old days.”
This Way: Mindfully chew your food using all of your senses in the process.
Not This Way: Shovel it in mindlessly until it strikes you that you almost ingested a piece of silverware.

It’s a short list, to say the least and I have no scientific research to back up my claims.   I can say, with a high degree of certainty, you will enjoy whatever it is you’re eating if you follow these rules. I can also say that once you enter into a friendlier relationship with your nourishment the idea of putting things in that are harmful will make as much a sense of watching full-night’s worth of any news channel and wondering why you can’t sleep at night; bon appétit and sweet dreams.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Ode to Old: Aging as Poetry


There are many great, and not so great, poems about getting older.  From the timeless classic There Was An Old Woman, to the epic Ulysses, poets throughout the ages have given us their unique views on aging. (If you have not recited the Mother Goose poem lately, may I refresh your memory?  Apparently, she did “know what to do” with her many children which was to “whip them all soundly and put them to bed.” Yikes!) 
 
My personal favorite is T.S. Eliot’s, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  It’s fascinating to see how Prufrock, or, J.A. P-Rock as he is known by the hip-hop crowd, is able to pass through so many of the perils and pitfalls of going gray.  At the same time, there is a hint of expectation and perhaps even fascination with the process.  Hard to not feel for J.A. when he frets, “And indeed there will be time To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair.”  Who among us has not played the Fool and felt “Politic, cautious, and meticulous?”
 
What I love most about this particular poem is how it pushes the level of introspection to the point of absurdity. “Disturb the universe,” really?  Chill out Alfie!  Why the heaviness? Who cares if the sea girls aren’t singing to you?  Slow down and eat that peach!

That verses dedicated to aging often take on the form of a lament, rather than exaltation, should not be a surprise.   In most cases, they were written from a cultural standpoint that getting older is equated with loss.  It’s hard, for the Western mind at least, to associate the inevitable contraction of life with happy times.  Or, in other words, watch out lest Andrew Marvell's "Time's winged chariot" run you over.
 
What if this was not the case?  What if our societal Zeitgeist about aging was not the “dying of the light,” to quote Dylan Thomas, but, as the poet Tagore suggests, “the putting out of a lamp because the dawn has come.”?  What types of poems would result from viewing turning gray in the same manner we view the turning of the seasons?  Equally important, what if we could drop some of the neurotic tensions that often accompany us as we grow older and replace them with neurotic musings.  Well, it might go something like this:


Ode to Old

The hands of time turning
Waving goodbye
Or applauding

The clock of life unwinding
Releasing

Past and future tense dissolving
Present tense evolving
Tension-less

Delicate not brittle
Simplified not simple

The spice of life
Well-seasoned
Mindful and well-reasoned

Wonderfully wandering
Whimsically pondering

The hands of the timeless
Waving goodbye
Or applauding?

Friday, March 13, 2015

Still Sitting?

“Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits.” -Satchel Paige

In case you missed it, there is another hazardous behavior that’s been identified as shortening our life spans. I don't mean to alarm you, but there's about a 99.9% chance that you’re doing it right now. Here is the headline, and I swear I'm not making this up:

Sitting for long periods increases risk of disease and early death, regardless of exercise.
Date: January 19, 2015
Source: University Health Network (UHN)
Summary:
The amount of time a person sits during the day is associated with a higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and death, regardless of regular exercise, according to a review study.
You read that right; sitting has now been added to the list of things that will kill you. You may want to stand up as you read the rest of this blog.

I'm fairly certain that the fine folks who conducted this study had the best intentions. I'm also pretty sure they were sitting at their computers as they were tabulating their results. What I'm not so certain of is whether or not the absolute absurdity of this pronouncement was fully appreciated. The very first thing that popped into my mind was the old George Carlin joke that, "Scientists now say that saliva will cause cancer but only if ingested in small amounts over a long period of time."

Let's think this through together. A nation of scurrying, energy drink consuming, hyper-kinetic and restless souls who were once warned of the health perils of Type A living, are now being told that slowing down will kill them. It's enough to want to make you dust off the treadmill and hop on until your heart explodes.

Surely, the sounding of this alarm takes into account the type of sitting we do? My own quick review did not find any mention of types of sitting. Apparently, then, there is no difference between sitting with a bowl of chips in your lap while watching a Dancing with the Stars marathon, versus sitting in silent meditation, sitting in the audience of a three hour long orchestral extravaganza, or even sitting in an extended psychotherapy session trying to quell your growing anxiety that the last hour just increased your chances of getting cancer.

I have to admit, as a psychotherapist I sit a lot. I would guess that at least 75 to 80% of my professional life has been spent in a chair. Here's the spooky part. I did get cancer. At the time the doctors told me they didn’t know how I got it. Why was that? Maybe it’s because they didn’t want to say, "Well, Mr. Verano, it turns out that sitting on your butt has caused a tumor to appear in your chest. We could explain it to you but you wouldn’t believe us." Adding insult to injury, after open-heart surgery, in addition to radiation, the primary form of treatment was to sit in a chemotherapy chair for up to five hours at a time. And all along I thought it was the poisonous chemicals they were pumping in that were killing off my blood cells.

Ok, enough sarcasm for one blog; back to good ol' incredulity. Who knew that the greatest risk to the proverbial couch potato was not his increasing waistline but his decreasing lifeline? (Oops, that sort of sounded sarcastic but then again I did not create this study.) I can only imagine the plethora of products that are going to flood the market to get us off our collective derrieres. Soon there will be advertisements for the miracle Sit-No-More; a device that sends a shock wave directly to the buttocks anytime it experiences contact with anything other than a toilet seat. (Please tell me that sitting down in the bathroom is still permitted) Can't you just hear pitch:

Are you still sitting? Are you sitting still? Well if not you may want to sit down because I've got some bad news. All this sitting is killing you! That's right; it's a scientific fact that everyone who has ever died, no matter how healthy they appeared, all shared the same pattern of behavior. We used to call it sitting but now we know it by another name; inviting death. Don't become another statistic, get off your butt and take a stand against this modern-day malady. Get a new Sit-No-More and put an end to this life draining habit. 
Finally, how long before FaceTime is replaced by ButtTime, the app that measures the pressure on your rear-end and calculates your ever diminishing life-span based on an algorithm that even its inventor does not understand.

Honestly, just writing about this has worn me out; I think it’s time for a nap. At least us old folks still got sleep…this just in from WebMD (I’m also not making this up.) “Oversleeping has been linked to a host of medical problems, including diabetes, heart disease, and increased risk of death.”

Damn!